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‘You promised, Amadi.’ She looked at him as he stood by the window looking guilty but defiant. ‘You promised you would never break my heart.’

‘It’s why I’m doing this, Bimpe.’ He looked earnest now, but still defiant. Like he wanted to tell her something without his actually saying it.

‘What are you trying to say, Amadi?’ She looked hurt.

He went quiet again.

She got up and went to the door. Bimpe stood there because she wanted to be as far from him as she could, and because she wanted him to come to her. Hoped he would come to her. Tell her all what he had been saying was gibberish and that he still wanted to be with her.

She hugged herself. ‘It’s just not something I can do, be without you.’ She shook her head. ‘I can’t envisage it.’

‘Baby,’ he came closer to her this time but he was not quite there. And then he stopped, like he saw something in her eyes that discouraged him. ‘Bimpe. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.’

They stared at each other. Bimpe trying to understand. Amadi trying to say goodbye in the best way he could.

‘I’m really sorry.’ He looked away.

She faced the door to hide her tears. Although she was literally begging him for his love she still had some dignity: she did not want to cry for a man, especially not in front of him.

She opened the door and stepped out.

* * *

They met at Primers’ Restaurant. She had rushed in that day to grab her only meal of the day to take home and devour after a busy workday. But seeing the food and perceiving its aroma, she knew there and then that she would not be able to withstand the hunger until she got home. Without thinking twice she ordered the meal omitting telling the server the planned ‘take-away.’

She sat and sighed and started eating her meal in the most quiet empty table she could find, glad that she would regain some energy before driving home, and also that she would not need to cook that night.

And then she saw him sitting two tables away from her staring at her like he was seeing something more than herself. She sighed again. This time a tad angry because she knew she was not going to be able to eat her food as greedily as she could afford to in public.

She decided to ignore him as much as her self-consciousness would allow. She bent her head and pressed nothing on her phone while eating like she was guilty of something.

She looked up again and he was still looking at her, eating as unashamedly, as she should. But he was not glaring any more. She saw something in his eyes. Understanding maybe. But she still did not want him looking at her eat, so she bent her head to her phone and food again, wishing the food would disappear and appear in her stomach so she could stand up and leave.

‘Hi.’ It was him.

‘Hi,’ She raised her head and looked at him. She would have smiled at him: she smiled to strangers a lot. But he was not smiling. He had an intelligent look on his face. That same look he had some minutes ago when she had glanced at him. It held her eyes. It was better than a friendly smile.

‘May I sit with you?’ He looked like he was gentlemanly enough to go back to his seat if she, per chance, did not want to sit with him.

‘Sure,’ she gestured.

He sat, put his tray of food before him like it had to be set right or else there was no continuing the meal. And then he focussed on her again. Piercingly.

She smiled shyly, and looked away. She picked her food. Suddenly she was not hungry anymore.

‘I couldn’t resist. I hate eating alone, and you look like an interesting company.’

She imagined herself as him, staring at her looking awkward sitting there and staring at her meal like it was the one doing the talking. Then she raised her head. Looked straight at him.

‘Are you usually this terrible a judge?’

He threw his head back and laughed. A rich laugh. Like when he laughed nobody else needed to laugh again. It was like his stare.

‘I’m Amadi.’ He shook his head to calm down and stretched his hand towards her.

‘Bimpe.’ She shook his hand.

* * *

Amadi felt to Bimpe like the person she had been waiting for all her life. He was Igbo and it was an immediate dis-qualifier, because all her friends that dated Igbo men complained about them sometime or the other, that they were proud and authoritative. She did not want that. Her favourite quote was from Louisa May Alcott’s Little Women which went ‘but a kind word would govern me, when all the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t.’

Amadi was not like that. He was assertive and cocksure of himself but it was nothing more than men’s innate desire to tell women what to do for their own well-being.

He asked her to date him when she was already weary of hoping he would ask her out, a month after they met. Which made her realise that he was biding his time, making sure she was ready and would definitely say yes. So she knew she had to be intentional as well. She planned to accept three weeks after, but she did after two.

Amadi came into her life and showed her all the colour in her existence when all she used to see were grey areas.

* * *

There favourite place was the beach. Bimpe felt like a queen there. Like the world was all hers for the taking. Amadi loved watching her queen it. They went there every week, once. At first on Fridays and then on Tuesdays after work, because they discovered it was more serene on weekdays.

Now Bimpe went there alone, hugging herself and wondering how her kingdom that felt so sure and right came crumbling down so fast like a sand castle. She also went to watch the waves fight, like they were making determined attempts to wash away the pain and the fake kingdom till there was nothing there.

Only there too, did Bimpe allow herself to cry. She pretended she was not crying, that she was only contributing to the water body that was the ocean. And when she thought of it that way, she could stand in one spot for long minutes, allowing the pain to go away. The more she gave away the tears the more she felt she could give away Amadi. Shed him until he was no longer there. Not like she ever believed that. One could only try, for sanity’s sake.

Amadi saw her once or twice. Once or twice he wanted to go to her and repeat the useless words ‘I’m sorry’ when he saw her wipe the tears, but he stopped himself. He too wanted her to heal. Needed, her to.

It was a mistake. He’d swear to anyone it was. Bimpe was his all in all. He never looked at another woman twice. Well, until Kasie.

* * *

Her name drew him first. At the same place he met Bimpe five months ago. He only knew one person that bore the name. And it was his mother. And his mother’s was Kashie, not Kasie, because she was from Owerri and they usually ‘sh-ed’ other dialect’s ‘s’es’.

He turned to the counter to look at the bearer of the name and for a moment he was spellbound. Her figure was perfect, and he could not take his eyes off.

Her friend who had called her name dragged her lightly towards the door, but then Kasie had noticed him stare. She smiled the faintest of smiles at him, like she knew about her figure but also was not conceited about it. Like she understood what it could do to people.

He looked away. It was one of those inevitable attractions that one saw everyday.

But the next day Amadi found himself back at Primer’s Restaurant. Alone. He had not insisted when Bimpe texted him that she would not be making it to dinner with him as planned due to a Zoom meeting that had to be at night because they had to align with the time zone of a foreign client. He had not sent her a sad emoji to show her that he would miss her. He had ‘texted her ‘Do your thing,’ with a love emoji.

Now he wondered if things would have been different if she had suspected him and said something like, ‘Oh, you won’t miss me? Best boyfriend in the world.’ Maybe that simple statement would have jarred him back to his senses, and he would have remembered how flooring his love for her was.

But she did not. So he went back to the restaurant to prove his interpretation of Kasie’s look right or wrong.

He was right. She was at the restaurant waiting for him at the table he sat the previous day. He went to the counter and ordered food automatically without paying much attention to the cashier because he was already hoping to see Kasie again, from behind. And talk to her.

‘Kasie.’ He dropped his tray on the table before asking, ‘May I?’

She smiled in response and he sat down.

* * *

She said she had a boyfriend, although they were not in such a good place right then, and he said he was seeing someone too, although he did not tell her how outrageously he loved Bimpe.

They acted like school children, sneaking out to meet each other, saving their contacts with that of their genders so their partners would not suspect.

Until Bimpe went on this work trip in Iowa she was so excited about because she had never been abroad. He faked his excitement for her because he was just eager to know what it would be like to be alone in town with Kasie so he needed her to go.

He got in bed with Kasie.

She was just like he expected: sex with big glutens.

When they were done, he remembered Bimpe poignantly and guiltily. He wanted to call her immediately and tell her what he had done, but Kasie, reading his expression, told him she would never know. And then they fell into bed and did it again, Amadi imagining he was doing it with Bimpe.

* * *

His worse fears came to pass when Kasie called him some 2 months after they had sex, one month and two weeks after he told her he did not think he wanted to continue with the ‘thing’ they were doing.

She was pregnant, and she was Catholic and did not believe in abortions. Her mother thought so too. He wanted to ask her what her mother suddenly had to do with them, but he did not. He hung up and thought of how much of a cow he was, for the heartbreak he was going to cause Bimpe.

* * *

Besides just standing there and staring at her, Amadi also wanted to go tell her that he was still the gentleman she always called him, because he was so calm and collected, and even respected her wish to wait until they were married to have sex.

He wanted to tell her that he was still the gentleman who could not hurt a woman, which was why he was leaving her, because he could not leave a woman who was carrying his baby. Also that she was never the problem, but it was all him.

But he would not go and tell her that. He was a coward: he did not want to see the hatred for him in her eyes. So instead he called Brian.

‘Do you still need that Finance position in your company?’

‘Oh yeah. We haven’t quite seen someone that fits the role.’

‘Bimpe lost her job. I know you know she’s good. Give her this chance.’

‘Wait, are you still seeing Bimpe? Your marriage is in four weeks!’

‘I know, ok? I’m not seeing her. Justina her friend told me. Just… help her. Do this for me, bro.’

‘Sure, man. I can do that. Just, tell Justina to get her to send in her CV or something.’

‘Fine. Hey, I owe you one.’

‘What? Na me owe you for this life.’

Amadi chuckled and hung up.

He called again. ‘Don’t go telling her why I broke up with her.’

‘She’ll still know, guy.’

‘I know. Just… let it not be from you.’

‘Fine.’

He looked at her standing there like a statue for the longest time. He knew she lost her job because of the heartbreak he caused her, and helping her get another one was his way of apologising.

FOR MYSELF

I am very happy and very sad

in between accepting that my soft body is ready to satisfy a man, and then carry a baby.

I am fighting to be who I am supposed to be: an adult

Spending nights feeling depressed about not having anymore

The childhood I felt depressed about.

I am wanting to accept this growth

Wondering why I don’t have what my new standing requires:

Money, a man, some sense.

I am grateful for those who still see the child in me

Yet hateful of them for bringing me down many rungs from the ladder of adulthood I suffered so much to climb.

I am irksome of them, loving them utterly.

I am selfish but hoping to be selfless

Even though selfish is all I’ve always been.

I want to learn the rhythms of giving all that one is

So

Just so I can get for myself all the things I want

Or should want

That I crave

Or should crave.

FOOD POISONING

I think I’m someone that has a penchant for eating abnormally. If I’m not eating at odd hours, I’m eating weird combinations, or eating too much or not eating enough.


And the worse part is, my body always rebels. I’ve had food poisoning for stuffing myself with too much fried potatoes at about 9 in the night simply because I did not want to leave it till the next morning. I’ve had to stop drinking garri because once I bought one that was definitely contaminated and because I noticed it was bad for my eyes.

I’ve gotten sick from eating at night. I’ve had food poisoning from eating poorly warmed food. As a child I also fell sick from eating abnormally a few times. I’ve really had crazy food experiences🤦.


And so my latest experience which happened yesterday I have to talk about because I’ve become more self aware and was able to note the progression of symptoms.


Should be the first time I’m having such extreme problems from eating fruits. I want to be disappointed in my beloved fruits but I know that it’s all my fault. I bought and (happily) ate cucumbers (with groundnuts) that I did not properly wash, because I was too lazy to go out and get water.


I am an advocate of vegetarianism too. But when these natural foods are not properly handled, it can end in disastrous consequences. Since they are not cooked their germs and nutrients alike do not die. I have actually heard of an on-air personality, who was a vegetarian, who went to an event and refused to eat what was served. Well, after a while salad was served and he gladly delved into it, only to die from food poisoning after. He was not the only one who ate it, but I believe his stomach had been softened and so couldn’t bear that level of contamination. You might be thinking, no be to leave the vegetarian path? I still don’t think so🙃.


And so, when I got back home on this fateful day yesterday I ate snacks and kunu (millet drink) from a new plug I got. Later I ate the said cucumber and groundnuts. I slept poorly and then woke up to diarrhea.

I knew I had eaten something bad. It couldn’t have been what I ate in the morning because I had eaten it the night before without effect. It couldn’t be the snacks, or the kunu because it wasn’t my first time taking their products. But I decided that it was the snacks or kunu. And I nursed myself, getting worse as time went by. I even started vomiting. But I just kept on vomiting large quantities of fluids.


Then I got weaker and weaker. I could barely stand, until I resigned and just lay on the bed. I also had stomach aches. It was so terrible that I was groaning and crying. Then I started feeling cold, in my room that is always warm. I had to put on sweater and socks, even though I had already begun running temperature.


The worse was the shortness of breath I experienced. I actually started thinking of death, because our breath is the life of us. When mine started halving, I couldn’t help my thoughts. I had to start praying even, with the little energy I had. Still don’t understand how food poisoning is connected with shortness of breath sha, but we move.


The last of the symptoms is muscle pain. The muscles of my hands and legs actually started feeling like they were shifting from their original positions for no reason at all. Really uncomfortable.


I’m getting better. I’m much better than I was hours ago. Proof is that I just wrote all these words. Earlier I just wanted to sleep and wake up fine but sleep escaped me anyway. I couldn’t even hold my phone properly not to mention typing on it.


To conclude, with each experience I am slowly learning to eat like a normal human being. Each experience is a lesson. Next time I’ll definitely wash my cucumbers properly in running water or in a bowl.


This lesson is for you too. We are actually more fragile than we think. Remember that OAP? Food poisoning can undeniably lead to death.

#foodpoisoning #eating #food #eatingdisorders #eatingdisorder #health #healthy #healthyeating #vegetarian #vegetarianism #chef #hygiene #eat #fruits #fruit #cucumber #oranges #banana #apple #poisoning #diet #dietary #bulimia #anorexia

Lulu

Loved eggs.

Hated baths.

Loved okpa a little less than eggs.

Loved milk in a casual leisurely way, you know, the way we all love rice.

Thought meat was heaven.

Enjoyed soup, and being comfortably on my shoulders, but most especially, human contact.

Was scared of heights but wasn’t afraid to face his fears, like the outdoors, the dark, and moving feet.

Loved playing rough like giving bites and scratches with his retractable nails.

Bunted among my cloths and later found it to be his favourite place in the house.

Licked me when he thought I was sad or was going to sleep before him.

Cried and tried to go with you when you go out.

Loved me, which was what ultimately killed him.

Because if he hadn’t followed me he wouldn’t have gone outside and he wouldn’t have gotten bitten by the exuberant dog who got loosed from his chain and chased and bit him.

And oh, did I mention, he was the cutest thing.

Ever.

#cats #cat #grief #sad #animals

Changing Gods

Pastor Yejide was not that kind of a man. So when he invited Sarah to his house she was not scared. In fact, she felt she needed to make some kind of preparations spiritually before she came before him. He was good looking and Sarah had once had a crush on him so she entertained one or two romantic thoughts about him before she shook her head, scolding herself for going there at all, picked up her Bible and left for his house. She only had to tell her mother she was going because Pastor Yejide had already told her mother that Sarah was coming to see him on that day. He was that transparent.

“Iyawo pastor, you people should pray for me o!” Sarah’s mother joked.

It was not the first time her mother had called her that but Sarah laughed. Being called ‘Iyawo Pastor’ had not ceased to tickle her.

“Yes, ma.”

While taking the fifteen minutes walk to Pastor Yejide’s place, Sarah tried to guess why he had asked to see her. She had never been to see him alone before. Looking at the Bible on her hand she thought, I hope he wants to tell me that he has a word from God for me concerning my financial life. My pocket really needs a boost this period. She laughed at her thought. She was in a good mood.

She knocked on Pastor Yejide’s door after greeting his neighbour sitting outside. It was a block of flats. She knocked again.

“Who’s that?” Pastor Yejide asked from within.

“Good afternoon, sir.” She knew he would recognize her voice. Plus he was expecting her.

He was smiling even before he opened the door, and Sarah found herself smiling too. That smile could solve any problem and it was so inviting. Without his saying so Sarah knew she could come in.

“Sarah please sit down. What can I offer you?”

“Sarah would have said ‘nothing’ but Pastor Yejide never said ‘nothing’ whenever he paid a visit to her house.

“Water, sir.”

“Let me get it, dear.”

Sarah could not help noticing the atmosphere of the room. It exhumed peace and love. She thought Ejiro Pastor Yejide’s fiancee a lucky woman to have such a godly man for a fiance. She herself would not mind marrying a pastor. Although pastor Yejide was not yet a pastor, everyone called him pastor. He would be ordained a pastor when he got married.

Pastor Yejide returned with a sachet of water on a plate.

“Thank you, sir,” Sarah said collecting the plate from him. “Sir how is Aunty Ejiro? I thought I would see her here sef.”

“She’s fine. She travelled to see her parents yesterday. I’m expecting her back next week.”

“Ok, sir. Hope there’s no problem at her home?”

“Non at all. They just asked to see her. It’s been a while.”

Ejiro was in fact meant to be the one to talk to Sarah, but she persuaded Pastor Yejide that he was in the best position to talk to Sarah because he knew her for longer and was good with teenagers and young adults. It was true so pastor Yejide accepted to talk to Sarah himself. In fact, Ejiro knew at this point that they would be together. He had Sarah’s best interests at heart and as he looked back at her he could not help smiling as he envisioned what God could do with the young girl.

“Sarah you’re very thirsty o! Should I get you another water?”

“Hmmm. No o. I burned some energy on my way here.”

“Ok,” he paused and then continued. “Why do you think I asked you here, Sarah?” he asked smiling at her.

“Bible study,” she said raising her Bible for a second.

He laughed. “Well, if you say so.”

“He sighed and looked more serious, but while still looking compassionate to let her know she could trust him. “I called you here, to talk to you about your spiritual life.”

She nodded her head while catching the serious mood.

“I hope you know how important it is? Being in line with God is being in line with life. If you’re not aligned with God, a lot of things will not work fine in your life. That is why the book of 1 Timothy 4:8 says godliness is profitable unto all things.”

Sarah was now becoming sobre. She was not sure where Pastor Yejide was headed but she was already deciding that she would fix her secret place.

“So tell me, Sarah, how is your spiritual life?”

This time she bent her head and would not answer. He waited. She finally answered. “I hardly miss any service, Pastor Yejide, and you know that.”

“And you and I know that is not a very good gauge for spirituality.”

“Then what is?”

“Word study, revelations, miracles, signs, impact, but most importantly, prayer.” He noticed her shift on the sofa at the mention of the last word. “Sarah, how is your prayer life?”

She was very visibly uncomfortable on the sofa by this time.

“I pray, sir.”

“How often, Sarah?” She had her head bent. She looked like she had been caught stealing.

He bent his head to try and look into her eyes. “You know you can trust me, Sarah.”

“I pray sir, but only when I feel charged in my spirit to do so. Like after powerful sessions in church. When I go home I pray. Sometimes when I sit next to someone on fire, I am sure I would go home and pray for long. I am even sure I’m going to pray very well this night when I leave this place.”


“Exactly, Sarah. You now pray only when you are charged by other power vessels. But when last did you connect to the Source Himself?”


He saw some tears drop from her eyes now.


“When you tap current it can’t last. The source is the only thing that can last. Sarah, what happened?”


She did not answer, only kept on shedding silent tears with her head bent. He was not going to stop here. They both had to get to the root of the matter.


“Sarah, please tell me what happened? Three years ago you used to breathe fire. You carried this same fire you are trying to get from others now.” She was sniffing at this point and wiping her eyes. “Sarah, three years ago you carried God tangibly. I could feel Him all around you. Pastor Yejide took Sarah’s hands hoping that she would look into his eyes as he said this but she did not even raise her head. “Sarah, three years ago, you were my role model.” She drew her hands away from him and covered her face as he said this.


He allowed her to cry, and then asked her, “What happened, Sarah. Tell me so we can tackle this. I want to know.”


“I fell!” she sobbed.

“How, Sarah? Let it all out. I won’t judge you. I just want to help you back up.”

“I fell in love with a married man.” He listened in silence as she continued. “We only went out on dates, we never did anything secret. After about six months we both decided to separate because he was also a christian and knew that what we were doing was wrong. I did not even realise that I had lost God until we separated. I could no longer feel God’s presence. It was as if the ungodly relationship took God’s glory away from me. I just knew I had lost it.”


“When you discovered this why didn’t you come back to Him?”
“I tried. I rededicated my life and fasted. I tried to do all the things I used to do before but nothing worked. Immediately I finished fasting I felt empty again. It felt so difficult and impossible to come back. But then I realised that I did not want to come back. I wanted to feel that same kind of love that the man I went out with gave me, so I dated other people. In two years, sir, I have dated four guys. All of whom broke my heart. I have been going after this same kind of love while still looking for God hoping that I would stumble upon Him on the way.”


She dried her eyes some more and continued, “I’ve fasted, praying occasionally and doing church things but I have not found God and I want Him. I want Him pastor, I want Him.”


Pastor Yejide sighed and patted her shoulder. “Sarah you think you want Him but You don’t. The heart wants what the heart wants.”


“But I do. I know what I want.”


“Okay, I agree with you that you want God, but you want the other kind of love more. The romantic kind the married man gave you. He looked at her and saw that she understood.  “I know what you carried and that is why I could not leave you the way you’ve been. You cannot serve two masters at a time. You will love one and hate the other. In this case Sarah, God is the master you hate.”


She burst into a fresh gush of tears, slid from the sofa to the ground and kept repeating, “I’m sorry Lord, please forgive me.”


“There are many people like this in the body of Christ. They have one leg in and the other leg in the world. They have their godss in their jobs, in their qualifications, their husbands, their tummy. In your case, Sarah, man was your god.”


She kept crying and asking God to forgive her. “The almighty God, the King and God over the whole world had you as His bride but you divorced Him. You changed gods, Sarah, and that is simply why you could not find Him. You may fast all you want but you can’t have Him in that measure you had Him because it is not Him you have actually been looking for.”


Pastor Yejide went to Sarah and raised her to her feet. “You can stand again, Sarah. Just lay down your idols.”


Pastor Yejide hugged Sarah as she sobbed. After a while he left her alone with God. But he knew that her tears would not mean much to God if she did not bury her idols.


He was glad he had done his part by bringing her to a place of repentance. He would wait and hope to see the glory. Again.

KeysRing.

Well, it is true: the Bible is a keyholder/keyring. It is simply rife with keys on how to live in this world.

Everything we need is in the Word. Every thing.

Reading the book of Genesis(at least) we will see, that we were never even created to be apart from God. But now, people even debate about the existence of God!

I get daily devotionals on Whatsapp -Streamglobe Devotional – and I love today’s message.

A little excerpt from it:

“The more sin there was in the world, the larger the gap became between heaven and earth. But it was gradual. Cain could hear God as clear as day. He was speaking to God as a man would speak to his neighbour, even after he murdered his brother. As sin continued to multiply,as more men were born…”

More men…let’s analyse this: two men were created (Adam and Eve). They sinned. They bore two men (Cain and Abel). Cain sinned. And then Cain bore men and his great great great great grandson, Lamech(Gen 4:16-24), confessed to being a bigger sinner than his great great great great grandfather. I’ll leave you to imagine the multiplicity of sin with the world’s present men.

 “…heaven shifted further and further away.(Gen4:26) Enoch was the only one known to have obtained the visa in those days. The travel history is not clear on how many visits he made to and fro, but we are told that he traveled once and simply never came back(Gen5:24).”

In the beginning we were spirits, god-like, literally gods, but sin just kept making it harder for us to know God and experience His glory.
Sin stripped Adam and Eve of their godlike glory that was why they realised they were naked.

I will not lie and say that I read my Bible enough, but with the little I have read and BENEFITTED from by the help of the Holy Spirit(❤❤), I am convinced that the Bible is a keyholder/ring. For example I got a key, one from the keysholder, a financial key(Genesis4:4). That’s why I am able to post here. That is why I have megabytes to post here.

I give God glory for His KeysRing!

May God give us the grace to draw close to Him and not do the contrary.

PS. This is my second blog post and I am excited because I can feel it that writing here will teach me too!

😘😘

#God #keyholder #keyring #christian #love #heaven #sin #Majesty #blog #blogger #blogging #learning #knowing #winner #religion

Faithful King

Came out of my home one day
Hungry and mourning my dress
For it was, oh! So shabby
But satisfaction and appreciation gripped me
When I saw beggarly beggars
Some without parts or sensory organs
But yet He put food on my table
At the end of the day.

Came out of my home one early morning
Cursing my landlady
A thief of a person she was
And for that room as small as anything
And then I saw wearies
Black from the sun during the day
And roused every minute by the cold at night:
That left me wondering at other dangers they had;
That left me appreciating
The warmth of my home.

Came out of my home one day
Ready to make my dreams come true
But I saw many people
Stronger than I
Who was I in so vast a world?
What was my ambition compared to theirs?
Yet I knew
That He cared to filfill them
If I put in some hardwork.

Came out of my home one day
Thanking Him every hour
For if He had not been so faithful
I would not be so dainty.